


Juno Steel and the Grand Tax Scheme

by thegreatandpowerfultoaster



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Excessive Drinking, Gen, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Las Vegas Wedding, M/M, at least sort of, its that trope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-01 13:48:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18801577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreatandpowerfultoaster/pseuds/thegreatandpowerfultoaster
Summary: There's that weird feeling in his chest again. What would get rid of that? Maybe he should punch him or call him an idiot.Juno Merc-Steel, damn it-doesn't do either of these things. He just turns blankly and seems to consider all this for a good minuite. "That's pretty gay sounding, for the only straight person on Mars."Mick shrugs. "Sue me. Guess there's no straight people on Mars."





	Juno Steel and the Grand Tax Scheme

_Oooooohhh God._

His head. 

His head was killing him. Did he fall asleep at his desk again? Nope. This is his apartment, his bed. Weird, being that he doesn't remember coming back here last night. 

Is someone  _singing_ , in his kitchen? 

Is that the sound of something cooking?

It takes a couple minutes for Juno Steel to roll out of bed after being flooded with all of that information, and pull on pajama pants and a sweater. Then he downs a couple painkillers and squints at the dark blankets on the bed until the sound of whistling and the bright light coming through the windows doesn't hurt as bad.

Except, focusing harder on it still hurts...but he doesn't need to focus especially hard to recognize that voice, which prompts a reprise of his previous statement.

_Ooooooohhhhh Goooood._

He can't believe it. He doesn't want to believe it. Juno still opens the door from the bedroom. Of course it is. The universe hates him, and Mick Mercury is standing in his kitchen, over the stove, in just his boxers.

It's unfair how nice he looks, especially when he's going to burn the damn building down. "Turn off the stove, Mick!" 

He does so and then turns around, waving a hand in front of his face to clear the smoke that's rising up around the burner. "Whoops, sorry Jay! I thought I'd try to be nice and make you breakfast."

He's got purple marks down his neck, to say nothing of the ones in the spaces where his ill-fitting boxers don't cover his hips.

"Yeah, well maybe you forgot that you don't know how, and every attempt you make brings us closer to the apocalypse." Juno marches right uo, trying to look more confident than he's currently feeling and takes the pan right off the stove, along with the spatula and starts trying to scrape the charred mess into the sink. 

Angrilly. Because his head hurts and he doesn't remember what even happened last night but all signs are pointing to something he doesn't want to think about.

There's no use in his attempts to clean the pan, even a little, and so he just throws it and the spatula into the sink and it lands with a ground-shaking sound that makes all of him just want to shrink into himself.

Juno lets out a long, weary sigh before he dares turn back around to face Mick. Who's still in his  _damn_  underpants, tilting his head like a confused puppy, and looking way too concerned for anyone who's looking at Juno Steel.

"Why are you in my apartement, Mick?"

"What? What do you mean? I mean, if you want to get a divorce or whatever that's fine but after that whole heart to heart we had and then that whole other thing..." He seems to get off track, then and starts looking the window. And then he starts up rambling again but Juno's not listening anymore.

"Rita!" He's yelling into his comms and pacing the living area. Damn the headache, this is a serious issue. "Rita, answer me!" 

And then he remembers the handy bit about having to select her from the contacts list before it calls her. _"Oh, hey, Mister Steel! I was wondering when you'd call in since I knew you were out pretty late last night when you called -"_

"I called? I called you? I don't remember that. RIta, I need to know exactly where I was last night. I've made a horrible, horrible mistake."

 _"Uhhh yeah,"_ she says. _"Okay, just a second, boss. Hey is that Mister Mercury I hear in the background, there?"_

Juno turns back around to the kitchen and watched Mick stop freaking out mid-sentance, hands on the air, and go uncharacteristically quiet. "Yep. Yep, it sure is. "

 _"Alright. Well, I'll call you back in a few minutes with your full itinerary, Boss. No need to worry."_  Actually yeah, there's a lot of a reason to worry. he

But arguing with Rita is king of like arguing with a rock, so he doesn't even start.

He doesn't hang up of course. He thought he did but if he doesn't have at least three technology related mishaps it isn't a regular Wednesday. Juno sets down his comms and turns back to Mick. "Do you know how hard it is to get things annulled on this damn planet?"

"Uhhh, I mean-"

 "No, no you must not because you let me decide to marry you when I was out of it and drunk! " Juno tries to glare at him but God if juno isn't more than a little bit shallow, because it's hard to look him in the eyes when he's sitting in Juno's kitchen with no shirt on.

He gets all fidgety then, and more than a little pouty. "Geez, I'm sorry, Jay. I didn't know you were that out of it. To be fair I was pretty drunk too, maybe a little to drunk to be making those kinds of decisions but I don't regret it or anything. Although, I'm kind of getting the impression that you don't know what happened last night, so maybe I could fill you in? Maybe you won't be as mad then."

Juno's pretty sure he'll still be mad then. No, actually, he's  _certain_  he'll still be mad then. Maybe mostly at hinself, because what sort of idiot agrees to marry Mick Mercury, and then actually sleep with him, even drunk?

This has got to be up there on the list of top ten Mistakes Juno Steel Has Made. Maybe nine. Maybe even eight.

He's about to give in and tell Mick to fill him in, when a screeching mode comes from his coms.  _"MISTER STEEL! MISTER STEEL YOU FORGOT TO HANG UP BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE I'VE GOT THAT FOOTAGE!"_

"RITA, QUIT YELLING. YOU'RE ON SPEAKER NOW, JUST MAKE IT QUICK."

_"Yeah, okay! So you left the office and called a cab at around ten PM-Geez, you were in work that late?"_

Okay. He remembers that much without too many issues. He'd been drinking by that point, already. Since what, right after he'd finished filing away paperwork and making sure the HCPD did their part of the record-keeping work. So yeah, eight. 

He'd decided to go home before he broke into the heavy stuff. 

_"And you got to your apartment and it looks like Mister Mercury was standing outside."_

"Yeah!" interrupts Mick with an emphatic nod. "I came to tell you that Sasha was coming home for her birthday this year. "

"And you couldn't have just called me?" 

He shrugs. "You know Dark Matters has all the channels bugged. It was going be a surprise party."

Juno resists grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him. He tries to tell himself it's because he's known Mick since he was like...five and that's weird and he's already slept with him and that's  _disgusting enough you don't need to touch him without a shirt on_.

Which are both the case, but the major issue is that he's not about to overestimate his own self-restraint and end up running his hands over Mick's surprisingly defined muscles or something. 

Juno throws his hands up again, makes an angry noise and turn back to his comms. "I bet you have more to tell me, don't you Rita."

_"Sure do, boss!  So you only stayed there for like fifteen minutes and then you drove to The Pour and Floor which is apparently a bar in Oldtown. You and Mister Mercury, of course. And that was maybe until one in the morning? Gosh, both of you! That's an awful and habit to-"_

"Rita," juno says into his hands. "What. Then."

_"Well you left for- Oh, hold on, boss we're getting a package! I hope I get to sign for it again, oh gosh, oh boy!"_

Her voice fades out from the comms and it's deathly quiet for all of about three seconds before Mick coughs to get his attention. "That's when we had a talk."

 "A...talk?"

"Yeah. I mean, the talk about Sasha's party sort of devolved into you mentioning that not many cases were coming in lately and you were in a little financial trouble and I said me too. And then you said you had an idea and you called Rita. "

He kind of remembers calling Rita. He's asked her something about what sort of tax breaks married people in Hyperion City got. And while he doesn't remember the answer, he does remember feeling vaguely pleased that he'd had such a good idea with that one. "Yeah, yeah. I think I remember that part. That when we decided it was such a genius idea to go and get married?"

"I think so. Things happened pretty quick after that. I don't know what I was drinking, but it tasted kind of like turpentine. You're not...you're not mad at me, are you, Jay?"

"No. No, of course not, Mick. Just...Wasn't ready to have to deal with this, I guess. It's going to be months before we can even be seen in court, and that's if we're lucky."

"I know...I'm sorry, Juno."

He opens his mouth to say something , but he hasn't quite decided what it is yet. Maybe,  _"Yeah, I'm sorry too,"_ or  _"Better make the most of it, at least."_  (Which is definitely not something he wants to come out of his mouth) But Rita is back in front of her comms then.

_"MISTER STEEL! YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU AND MISTER MERCURY GOT MARRIED!"_

"Well," he rolls his eyes at Mick and watched his uneasy look turn into a half-smile. "I didn't know, until I got up this morning."

 _"What?!"_  She sqeaks.  _"Oh boy, Mister Steel. Or...Or Mister Mercury? That's what the nameplate they delivered says, but I don't think I'll ever be able to remember that."_

That drunk Juno...what a sappy lady. Or maybe dedicated to playing the part. He doesn't like the way his heart moves in his chest when he thinks about a shiny new nameplate sitting in his desk that says Juno Mercury, PI.

God, what a  _stupid_  name. Juno Mercury. Should've just stuck with Steel. Bartholomew 'Mick' Steel. Now that wasn't bad-sounding.

No! No, no,  _no_! No.

Ughhh. He looks back wearily back at his comms, and up to Mick, who's looking anywhere but at Juno. 

This...Okay. Well, he could have done worse, right? Worse than Mick, who might've been a huge idiot or maybe just a trouble-magnet, but other than Rita was the closest thing he had to a best friend.

And Mick...Mick wasn't really so bad. Less of an idiot than Juno probably gave him credit for, and nobody could say he wasn't attractive. 

"You don't need to keep going, Rita. I think I can figure it out from here. I'll be back in tomorrow, okay? Just close up and go home."

_"Yeah, sure thing Boss! Just keep me up to date okay? This is even better than any soap I've seen, I have to call Frannie!"_

The comms make their little disconnecting noise and it's just him and Mick, standing in his apartment. That's terrifying. "I-"

MIck holds up a hand. "No, Jay. Before you even say anything I'm going to say something. I have no regrets! And if you want to annull it or whatever it's fine. In fact, it's probably for the best. But...I like you. And I maybe didn't think I did. I kind of told myself I didn't for so long that it wasn't something I thought about anymore, and you're kind of a mess. 

"Maybe more than me. But I do like you, and I'm kind of glad this happened, because at least I can get some closure on this whole issue. So, yeah. That's it, I guess. Sorry if you feel like I forced you into it, because I guess I was pretty out of it too and didn't notice you were that bad off."

There's that weird feeling in his chest again. What would get rid of that? Maybe he should punch him or call him an idiot.

Juno Merc-Steel, damn it-doesn't do either of these things. He just turns blankly and seems to consider all this for a good minuite. "That's pretty gay sounding, for the only straight person on Mars."

Mick shrugs. "Sue me. Guess there's no straight people on Mars." 

"Hey, Mercury?"

 He gets that look on his his face, like he's about to pull some great scheme. That look's gonna get him killed some day. "Yes, Mercury?" 

That manages to make Juno snort. "Lets try this whole married thing out. Just until we can get an hearing, and then we can decide what we want to do, okay? For the tax breaks, of course."

"Yeah! I mean...that sounds acceptable." As per usual he's wearing his heart on his sleeve. "I'm starving, can we go get breakfast?"

 "Yeah, and in that same vein, you owe me a new pan. Guess we'd better call Sasha before Rita does, huh. You'd better borrow one of my turtlenecks so people don't see," He waves his hands and tries not to turn colors. "all of that."

 Mick gets that look on his face again. "No, I think I'll just find my shirt. I happen to like them."

"I'm not taking you anywhere nice, then." Maybe he's the one pouting now. Over Mick Mercury. Juno's feeling weirdly resigned with that.

"That's fine. I can't help you pay anyways so I'd feel bad if you did."

" _Goooood. G_ o put some pants on, Mercury."


End file.
